My Super Sweet Wedding

Dear MTV,

During the weekend, my cable box is dedicated to one channel. You guessed it, MTV (or VH1, your sister station). I cannot get enough of shows like “Tiara Girls,” “True Life,” “Made” and ‘My Super Sweet 16.”

It was while watching “Super Sweet” that I came up with the best idea EVER.

I have the perfect extravaganza that would lead you back into the spotlight for the 20-30 year old demographic. It is called “My Super Sweet Wedding,” and the first episode would be about me.

Just so you know, those sixteen year old bitches have NOTHING on me.

My wedding is going to be so ridiculously extravagant that I think we should perhaps get an Academy Award winning director on board. I’m thinking Lucas or Spielberg...we’re gonna need the special effects.

Let me paint a picture for you.

The theme: “The Princess Bride” meets “Cirque De Soleil”

The Location: I’d like a cathedral with stain glass windows...there will need to be high ceilings for the people in the harnesses.

The Look: I want my gown to be long and flowing, gothic style...maybe something you’d see on an angel in one of those old church paintings. My wedding party will wear rose pink or light green dresses...all sewn up so that the harness doesn’t make them look bad.

The guests will enter the church from the back, they will instantly ooh and aah when they walk in to see candles EVERYWHERE and monks chanting. The guests will be led in by MALE MODELS in tuxes. One of them HAS to be named Markus (or at least allow me to call him Markus).

Right after the final guest is seated, MARKUS will push in a frail-looking woman in a wheelchair (although she is totally able to walk). She will be left next to the front pew.

The GROOM and all his people will walk to the front, blah, blah, blah.

About two minutes before the BRIDE (me) enters, BJORK will appear on a little balcony and start to sing with a string quartet accompanying her.

Dramatically, My bridesmaids (there’ll be 5 or 6) and I will slowly swoop from the back in our harnesses and hover ever so slightly above the floor.

BJORK will stop singing at this point.

People will begin to wonder “Hey, where’s the minister?” That answer will be given when a booming disembodied voice comes from out of nowhere (surround sound speakers) and begins the ceremony. (We should get one of those movie trailer dudes to be the voice.)

The GROOM says his shit, I say mine and ta-da! We’re married.

Green and purple confetti will spill from the ceiling (and hopefully not catch on fire with all the candles). On the same balcony where BJORK stood, PM DAWN will appear and do an amazing acapella version of “Die Without You.”

THEN, before anyone else gets up to go, the old fart in the wheelchair will miraculously stand up and walk out without assistance, as if she has been healed by the beauty of the ceremony.

Everyone will get up and proceed to the reception and perhaps find new meaning in their lives.

SO yeah, we can totally make this happen. There is only one little hitch...I don’t have a fiance...or a boyfriend...or any real prospects.
I figure it can’t be that hard to find a hot-ass dude that wants to be on TV and if you couldn’t tell from the description, his part is kind of secondary and not too intense.

Fuck, I don’t even care if he is drunk, he just needs to know how to detach me from the harness. We’ll just get an annulment the next day anyway. I hear that is what ALL the reality-tv couples do these days.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Sarah Skilling