Open Letter to Tom Sizemore (sprinkled with some crack)
Dear Mr. Sizemore,
First, no need to worry. I'm not trying to sue you for putting a video of us fucking up on the internet. I am simply someone who has enjoyed your past work and is now astonished at what you have done to yourself.
What happened to Milo, the lovable greaser from "Hearts and Souls?" You were so cute when you were allowed to be around children. I just don't get it. Who did this to you? Well, really, you can't blame anyone. You did this to yourself.
I really think there has been no better time to "Walk Like a Man" and face your demons.
My friend and I were discussing you the other night. I told her about the website. Yeah, so not impressed. You claim to have slept with Paris Hilton. Is that a challenge or something? You could lay that bitch simply by waving something sparkly in front of her face. Way to go!
So really, what lead to your downfall? Was it Heidi Fleiss? You really shouldn't hit girls. They may look innocent and harmless and like they might crumble in the corner but really, the minute you touch a girl like that, they turn into Satan and will do whatever they can to destroy you.
It's in our genes. I wish someone had told you that.
I'm surprised women get within 10 feet of you, I mean....look at yourself!
First, no need to worry. I'm not trying to sue you for putting a video of us fucking up on the internet. I am simply someone who has enjoyed your past work and is now astonished at what you have done to yourself.
What happened to Milo, the lovable greaser from "Hearts and Souls?" You were so cute when you were allowed to be around children. I just don't get it. Who did this to you? Well, really, you can't blame anyone. You did this to yourself.
I really think there has been no better time to "Walk Like a Man" and face your demons.
My friend and I were discussing you the other night. I told her about the website. Yeah, so not impressed. You claim to have slept with Paris Hilton. Is that a challenge or something? You could lay that bitch simply by waving something sparkly in front of her face. Way to go!
So really, what lead to your downfall? Was it Heidi Fleiss? You really shouldn't hit girls. They may look innocent and harmless and like they might crumble in the corner but really, the minute you touch a girl like that, they turn into Satan and will do whatever they can to destroy you.
It's in our genes. I wish someone had told you that.
I'm surprised women get within 10 feet of you, I mean....look at yourself!
You are the reason Mace exists! You look like you are threatening to strangle someone. Uh-huh. If I met you in a dark alley I'd shit myself and then attack.
In short, pull yourself together, man! Stop using a prosthetic penis to fix your drug tests, start reading the bible or SOMETHING and for the love of all that is holy, stop having sex. The chances a child is being created with your tainted seed is more than this universe can take.
Your fan,
Sarah
posted by Skillz at
8:54 AM
1 Comments:
Tom? I hope you aren't too traumatized by Sarah's tough love. It was a little mean of her to imply that the letter was sprinkled with crack. You probably tried to snort it off the screen or something, and just wound up with a noseful of old computer dust. That wasn't a nice trick to play on you. There is really no way to email drugs, sorry.
Also, I understand that medical science is against you. We live in a Viagra world, but who's researching what to do when it won't come down...ever? Who even knew that prolonged drug use would cause that problem? It's no wonder you're so out of hand.
But Tom? It's time to make a fresh start. Sarah's outlined the first steps, but I have some suggestions for how to occupy your time.
1.) Watch The Little Mermaid. This is really a very uplifting movie, and your kids will love it. I dare you not to sing along with "Under the Sea".
2.) Start making latch hook rugs - a wholesome and constructive activity that will yield a non-pornographic product people can buy.
3.) Macaroni necklaces! More fun with the kids, and again, something you can sell!
The world is your oyster Tom Sizemore - smile!
By
Jennifer, at 1:39 PM
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