An open letter (with a shoeprint) to Kevin Spacey
Not that anyone reads this but Jen and I, but about 4 years ago I wrote a fan letter to Kevin Spacey. I poured my heart out (in a non-stalker-esque way) and made like, 3 drafts before sending the amazingness that was the final copy. I waited patiently for a response, a phone call, a sign. Instead, 3 months later, I received my letter returned, unopened, with a shoeprint on it. This is my rebuttal.
Dear Mr. Spacey,
Since tears have been shed and mascara was smeared, I am now ready to write to you again in the hopes I will get some kind of response to the adoring letter I sent to you before, to no avail. The shoeprint only added a twist of the knife. Maybe you confused me with one of your freaky fans. I don't collect shoeprints.
I'm still not sure exactly what drew me into the World 'o' Spacey. I'd like to think it wasn't your turn as Verbal Kint or your masochistic character in "Swimming with Sharks." Although, I did find your intimidation tactics to be of the highest quality.
It must have been "L.A. Confidential" I loved the ladies man thing and the fact you still looked calm, cool and collected even after being shot in the head. Fuck, you even died with a smile on your face. What could possibly be cooler than that?
No, I believe what really pulled me in was "A Bug's Life." Hopper was hilarious and no one's voice could have done him better justice than yours.
I even have a stuffed animal Hopper. It seems kind of pervy to say that now....oh well.
The fact you would do a children's movie somewhat calmed down my previous notion that you were living out the darkest corners of your mind on camera and could very possibly, fake a limp, do a bunch of cocaine and threaten my life because I gave you Equal instead of Sweet 'n' Low.
No, you definitely have a softer side, which you showed in "The Ref, and "The Shipping News."
However, I do somewhat take issue with the movie "Pay It Forward." You'll probably wanna stop reading here if you can't take criticism, but I have to say, that movie was a cheap shot. First, you look like Mel in "The Man Without a Face." Yeah, it's been done. Second, you played second fiddle to the "Sixth Sense" kid. NO ONE wants to be in that position. Although, I did quite like the fact that he died in the movie. Did you write that scene in? Also, how the hell does Jon Bon Jovi get cast as an alcoholic dickhead?
I digress.
Lastly, I cried during that movie, Kevin. Not because I was touched by the sentiment, I'm nowhere NEAR letting some homeless drug addict sleep in my garage, but because I was worried for your career.
Kevin, Don't scare me like that again.
Finally, where are you anyway? I haven't heard anything about you or your gayness or your love for your mom in quite some time. I still have love for you, Mr. Spacey. Just please don't sing, dance or direct anymore movies and your life will be fine.
I'd still do you...even if you do like boys.
Write back!
Sarah
Dear Mr. Spacey,
Since tears have been shed and mascara was smeared, I am now ready to write to you again in the hopes I will get some kind of response to the adoring letter I sent to you before, to no avail. The shoeprint only added a twist of the knife. Maybe you confused me with one of your freaky fans. I don't collect shoeprints.
I'm still not sure exactly what drew me into the World 'o' Spacey. I'd like to think it wasn't your turn as Verbal Kint or your masochistic character in "Swimming with Sharks." Although, I did find your intimidation tactics to be of the highest quality.
It must have been "L.A. Confidential" I loved the ladies man thing and the fact you still looked calm, cool and collected even after being shot in the head. Fuck, you even died with a smile on your face. What could possibly be cooler than that?
No, I believe what really pulled me in was "A Bug's Life." Hopper was hilarious and no one's voice could have done him better justice than yours.
I even have a stuffed animal Hopper. It seems kind of pervy to say that now....oh well.
The fact you would do a children's movie somewhat calmed down my previous notion that you were living out the darkest corners of your mind on camera and could very possibly, fake a limp, do a bunch of cocaine and threaten my life because I gave you Equal instead of Sweet 'n' Low.
No, you definitely have a softer side, which you showed in "The Ref, and "The Shipping News."
However, I do somewhat take issue with the movie "Pay It Forward." You'll probably wanna stop reading here if you can't take criticism, but I have to say, that movie was a cheap shot. First, you look like Mel in "The Man Without a Face." Yeah, it's been done. Second, you played second fiddle to the "Sixth Sense" kid. NO ONE wants to be in that position. Although, I did quite like the fact that he died in the movie. Did you write that scene in? Also, how the hell does Jon Bon Jovi get cast as an alcoholic dickhead?
I digress.
Lastly, I cried during that movie, Kevin. Not because I was touched by the sentiment, I'm nowhere NEAR letting some homeless drug addict sleep in my garage, but because I was worried for your career.
Kevin, Don't scare me like that again.
Finally, where are you anyway? I haven't heard anything about you or your gayness or your love for your mom in quite some time. I still have love for you, Mr. Spacey. Just please don't sing, dance or direct anymore movies and your life will be fine.
I'd still do you...even if you do like boys.
Write back!
Sarah
posted by Skillz at
2:26 PM
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