The Pitt of Despair
Dear Mr. Pitt,
I have to be honest, this is more of an intervention than it is a fan letter.
I'll admit I loved you in "A River Runs through It" and "Legends of the Fall." I liked those movies because you ACTED in them, you didn't just play a smug version of yourself. You actually looked like you played in the mud a bit while now it looks like you might not want to ruin that expensive manicure.
I can't even fathom why you agreed to be in Ocean's 13. What, does George Clooney only come out to play with you if he has a camera in his face and a few more million in his pocket? Not a very good friend, Brad. Real friends play make-believe with you even when you aren't making money. Just ask Whitney Houston. Of course, she smokes crack, which probably means she probably thinks that when Barbie gets to go to the moon, it's real...but that is a whole other letter.
Here's the big one Brad...how can I put this nicely...your hair. Yeah, I saw you just shaved it like Maddox's. I see a trend. When you were with Juliette Lewis back in the day, you both had long, scraggedy hair. When you were with Gwenyth, you got the same short haircut she had, only you looked like a guest on "Sprockets." When you were with Jen, you were Hollywood glamour just like her.
Then, hottie Angelina bats her eyes at you and not only do you get a faux mohawk, but you've decided to become a do-gooder. Just. Like. Her.
I bet when you were with Jen your entire house was outfitted with ivory fixtures and I doubt you ever called to pledge your $15 a year to feed and clothe a African nation.
Lemme ask you a slightly personal question...is Angelina SO amazing in bed that she turns self-absorbed actors into Buddha-worshipping philanthropists? If so, you should really sell that shit...but before you do, I wanna do her. I kinda feel like I might need a little bit more of a social conscience.
I want to see the real Brad Pitt...the SINGLE Brad Pitt. The one who has to do his own hair and make his own decisions. I also wanna see your ass.
Keep up the good work!
Your fan,
Sarah
I have to be honest, this is more of an intervention than it is a fan letter.
I'll admit I loved you in "A River Runs through It" and "Legends of the Fall." I liked those movies because you ACTED in them, you didn't just play a smug version of yourself. You actually looked like you played in the mud a bit while now it looks like you might not want to ruin that expensive manicure.
I can't even fathom why you agreed to be in Ocean's 13. What, does George Clooney only come out to play with you if he has a camera in his face and a few more million in his pocket? Not a very good friend, Brad. Real friends play make-believe with you even when you aren't making money. Just ask Whitney Houston. Of course, she smokes crack, which probably means she probably thinks that when Barbie gets to go to the moon, it's real...but that is a whole other letter.
Here's the big one Brad...how can I put this nicely...your hair. Yeah, I saw you just shaved it like Maddox's. I see a trend. When you were with Juliette Lewis back in the day, you both had long, scraggedy hair. When you were with Gwenyth, you got the same short haircut she had, only you looked like a guest on "Sprockets." When you were with Jen, you were Hollywood glamour just like her.
Then, hottie Angelina bats her eyes at you and not only do you get a faux mohawk, but you've decided to become a do-gooder. Just. Like. Her.
I bet when you were with Jen your entire house was outfitted with ivory fixtures and I doubt you ever called to pledge your $15 a year to feed and clothe a African nation.
Lemme ask you a slightly personal question...is Angelina SO amazing in bed that she turns self-absorbed actors into Buddha-worshipping philanthropists? If so, you should really sell that shit...but before you do, I wanna do her. I kinda feel like I might need a little bit more of a social conscience.
I want to see the real Brad Pitt...the SINGLE Brad Pitt. The one who has to do his own hair and make his own decisions. I also wanna see your ass.
Keep up the good work!
Your fan,
Sarah
posted by Skillz at
8:59 PM
1 Comments:
Um, Skillz? Brad totally acted in the Ocean's movies. Remember? That character has a trait: the trait of eating.
By
Jennifer, at 12:17 PM
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