"Armageddon" or "The Federline Re-population Plan."

Dear Ms. Spears-Federline,

In high school, I liked this guy named *&^%. He was spontaneous, was the life of the party and always had fun, no matter what he was doing. I was hooked. He wanted to be in a band and at the time, I thought he might have the talent and drive to accomplish that goal. Flash forward 10 years later and he still hasn't gotten a real job, is 5 years into a 1 1/2 year degree and drinks till he can't see on a regular basis.

The point of this story? &^%$ was cool and fun in high school, but he never matured past that. He's the guy you want to get trashed with, not the guy you get married to. Well Britney, you married that dude and look where it got you. Pregnant and barefoot (c'mon Brit, no shoes in a gas station restroom? You know better than that. You probably have the HEP now.)He smokes weed all day, spends the money you made while working hard singing and carrying around a big yellow snake. Is that fair?
No, it simply isn't.

I'll never admit it to my friends, but I have like, 3 of your CDs. They are so filled with girl power and the whole "Fuck Men" mentality that was so profitable post-Spice Girls. I almost believed that you were going to be the one pop star to do it on your own and be damn proud of it.

Then Hurricane Kevin struck.

I wish I could say I understood what you saw in him, but I can't. He looks like a Snoop Dogg video reject and seems to have the intelligence of a lobotomized toddler. His song, Papazao, well, no one likes it. They come to see your husband because he really is a source of entertainment. Not because he is talented, but because he is a cage short of being the zoo's newest attraction. You need to leave him before he gets you pregnant AGAIN and the world is exposed to more of the punishment that is the continuation of his genes.

I do care about you Britney, and I am thisclose to calling A&E to get you on that "Intervention" show.

SeanPrestonspeed, or whatever it is you say when your baby is your religion.

Sarah Skilling

My Super Sweet Wedding

Dear MTV,

During the weekend, my cable box is dedicated to one channel. You guessed it, MTV (or VH1, your sister station). I cannot get enough of shows like “Tiara Girls,” “True Life,” “Made” and ‘My Super Sweet 16.”

It was while watching “Super Sweet” that I came up with the best idea EVER.

I have the perfect extravaganza that would lead you back into the spotlight for the 20-30 year old demographic. It is called “My Super Sweet Wedding,” and the first episode would be about me.

Just so you know, those sixteen year old bitches have NOTHING on me.

My wedding is going to be so ridiculously extravagant that I think we should perhaps get an Academy Award winning director on board. I’m thinking Lucas or Spielberg...we’re gonna need the special effects.

Let me paint a picture for you.

The theme: “The Princess Bride” meets “Cirque De Soleil”

The Location: I’d like a cathedral with stain glass windows...there will need to be high ceilings for the people in the harnesses.

The Look: I want my gown to be long and flowing, gothic style...maybe something you’d see on an angel in one of those old church paintings. My wedding party will wear rose pink or light green dresses...all sewn up so that the harness doesn’t make them look bad.

The guests will enter the church from the back, they will instantly ooh and aah when they walk in to see candles EVERYWHERE and monks chanting. The guests will be led in by MALE MODELS in tuxes. One of them HAS to be named Markus (or at least allow me to call him Markus).

Right after the final guest is seated, MARKUS will push in a frail-looking woman in a wheelchair (although she is totally able to walk). She will be left next to the front pew.

The GROOM and all his people will walk to the front, blah, blah, blah.

About two minutes before the BRIDE (me) enters, BJORK will appear on a little balcony and start to sing with a string quartet accompanying her.

Dramatically, My bridesmaids (there’ll be 5 or 6) and I will slowly swoop from the back in our harnesses and hover ever so slightly above the floor.

BJORK will stop singing at this point.

People will begin to wonder “Hey, where’s the minister?” That answer will be given when a booming disembodied voice comes from out of nowhere (surround sound speakers) and begins the ceremony. (We should get one of those movie trailer dudes to be the voice.)

The GROOM says his shit, I say mine and ta-da! We’re married.

Green and purple confetti will spill from the ceiling (and hopefully not catch on fire with all the candles). On the same balcony where BJORK stood, PM DAWN will appear and do an amazing acapella version of “Die Without You.”

THEN, before anyone else gets up to go, the old fart in the wheelchair will miraculously stand up and walk out without assistance, as if she has been healed by the beauty of the ceremony.

Everyone will get up and proceed to the reception and perhaps find new meaning in their lives.

SO yeah, we can totally make this happen. There is only one little hitch...I don’t have a fiance...or a boyfriend...or any real prospects.
I figure it can’t be that hard to find a hot-ass dude that wants to be on TV and if you couldn’t tell from the description, his part is kind of secondary and not too intense.

Fuck, I don’t even care if he is drunk, he just needs to know how to detach me from the harness. We’ll just get an annulment the next day anyway. I hear that is what ALL the reality-tv couples do these days.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Sarah Skilling

Can You C.C. the Real Me?

Dear C.C.,

Billy Idol, Bon Jovi, Eddie Van Halen, they all have their portrait on the walls of my heart, and I am happy to say, I have saved a spot for you.

I’ve always been supportive of 80’s rock legends. I smile when they finally acknowledge their bastard children, I laugh when they fly through the air in their music videos, I shed tears when they OD for the 7th time, and I think good thoughts for them when they get into rehab (again).

You are no exception. I have to be honest though, you kinda flew under my radar until very recently. I remember seeing you on Poison’s “Behind the Music” and thought you were slightly dodgy with a great need for some Frizz-Ease and maybe a little methadone.



However, when I saw you on the Surreal Life 6, all of that changed. You were so sober on there, so New York, so... strangely attractive. It was a slow metamorphasis. On the first episode, I noticed I liked your hair. The third episode, I started to find your voice to be endearing in an “I might have lung cancer” kind of way. By the second to last episode, I had to cover my face everytime you smiled so I didn’t run up and kiss the TV.
There was this one part during “Flo’s Last Word,” where you winked at Florence Henderson and I almost had to change my underwear...was that too graphic?




Here are my suggestions to you for a better life.
1) Don’t start hanging out with Bret Michaels again. You’ll listen to “I Want Action,” he’ll get you into bandannas again and you know what comes after the bandannas. Yup, crack cocaine.
2) Don’t screw the Playboy model from Surreal Life 6. She seems like a nice girl, but remember C.C. You are trying to move forward, not revert to the C.C. who talked about his “den of whores” on “Behind the Music.”
3) Have you ever thought of dating a normal girl? Perhaps a somewhat sassy 25 year old Seattleite with a major pop culture fixation? Think about it.
4)Don’t go back to your birth name. Bruce Anthony Johannesson just isn’t as sexy as C.C. Just don’t make me call you Cecil Cornelius in the heat of passion. I’ll totally lose my boner.

Could it actually be possible that you’ve changed? We all know Denise was retarded to take on Charlie Sheen, but if you finally find happiness, will you sabatoge it with your drugs and your whores or will you sustain this new path you’ve found? I can only hope for the latter because I am about to buy the “Best of Poison.”

Love you!

Sarah Skilling