I Wanna Fork with Mickey Rourke

Dearest MIckey,

First, I want to thank you for putting down one of your 7 dogs to read this letter. It means a lot to me.

I'm a fairly new fan of yours as I only recently discovered your work when I Netflix'ed "9 1/2 Weeks." All I can say is HOT DAMN! You were sexier than fuck in that movie.



Granted, you were a dominating psycho, but you were only acting...right? With that sly smile and that neverending desire to get it on in places like a clock tower and in an alley in the rain, you're my type all the way. I'll be honest, you can feed me any day as long as I'm blindfolded...which brings me to my point.





What happened to you? You look like a really upsetting shadow of your former self. I know that's harsh, but why did you have to go ruin your beautiful face by taking up boxing. Yes, you were good at it, yes, you're cut like a god...but you are a male "Butter Face" and it saddens me to no end. When I saw you in "Sin City" it was like adding insult to injury when they made you more cartoonish than you already are. They could have saved money on make-up.

Obviously, what's done is done, but your public image could use a makeover.

I think you could drastically help yourself by putting down the dogs, getting a haircut and by getting into a healthy relationship. I'd say you could date me, but you're just a little TOO far over the "Scary-hot" line for me. I'd date Michael Madsen before you (are you two related?) and he is pretty god damn scary....hot.

Take care of yourself

Paula Adul + Vicodin = Spastic Revelations

Dear Ms. Abdul,

I feel like my early 90's idols are falling like dominoes. I saw you in an interview on channel 13 in Seattle and while you deny it...I know that glazed-over look and stupid smile anywhere. You are TOTALLY high.

I'm not judging you. If I had to talk to the anchors at channel 13 in Seattle, I'd want to have a good buzz going on too, but c'mon, to deny it is ludicrous. It's obvious what is going on... even to someone who has never done drugs (not me). In fact, I bet most 5th graders would point you out to their DARE officer as a potential threat or a "stranger danger."

At first, I was disappointed, but then I became more sympathetic as I started to trace your career in my head. In your heyday, you were a huge star. With songs like "Opposites Attract" and my personal fave, "Rush, Rush." you were at the top of the charts. By the way, the video for "Cold Hearted Slave" was really naughty. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I changed the channel whenever my parents came in the room. To a nine year-old, that video was hardcore porn. You were pretty, a great dancer and had catchy songs. I wanted your life.

You then went on to marry the man I wanted to marry. Emilio Estevez. I was SO HEARTBROKEN when you stole him out of the "available" queue of my heart. I figured you deserved him though, he was pretty fucking sexy.

So, what happened?

Now you are a judge on a TV show where you routinely see more talented individuals than yourself strut their stuff and eventually become even bigger sensations than you ever were. That's gotta suck. Even on the audition show last night you were almost never shown on screen since whenever you were you acted like you'd taken one too many muscle relaxants. Also, aren't you supposed to be the "nice" judge? You're getting just as jaded as Simon. Maybe you are just a mean drunk. Maybe that's it.

Anyway, I don't know what your excuse is, whether you are still relying on the old story of how you got an infection from getting a pedicure or maybe Emilio keeps calling you late at night, begging you to watch "Bobby" with him...whatever it is...get your act together or I'll tell Tom Sizemore you think he's like, totally hot.

Your fan,
Sarah

True Confessions of a Prepubescent Groupie

I just changed my profile song on my myspace to "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. I SO love this song. I heard it the other night and it brought back SO many memories.





Wanna know a secret? Rick Astley was most definitely my first celebrity crush. I was 7 years old when this song came out and I remember watching the video on VH1 with my mom and being absolutely enamored by this red haired guy with the beautiful deep voice dancing around in a trenchcoat. It's amazing how easy it is to win the heart of a passionate 7 year old. It also ruined me now for men with deep voices.

After my clean-cut affair with Rick subsided, I rallied back and forth between Adam Curry (MTV VJ) and boys in my classes at Peter Kirk Elementary. My friends tried to get me into New Kids...and I feigned interest in Joey (the cute one) but my heart was always elsewhere.

Then, for some odd reason in 1991, I once again found love. His name was James Hetfield, lead singer of Metallica and he was devastatingly attractive in the video for "Unforgiven." SO much so that I watched the video over and over and forced my friends to watch it.






No one understood. No one ever does.

He had the ability to go from sounding like he was going to beat someone to death to sounding like he was in the mood to spoon. I liked the contrast. I didn't so much like the hair, but I dealt with it, because love is blind.

There was only one problem with James....I hated all his other music. See, as a child I could have very easily been a member of the GOP. I was convinced that people who listened to heavy metal were going to hell, or had already been there and come back to taunt me. I was also fiscally responsible at this point, with my brother always asking to borrow money from my $5 allowance. I don't mind at all that I grew into being a complete liberal, but damn I wish I'd retained those financial smarts.

Celebrity Sing-a-longs

I heart celebrity sing-a-longs.

They get a motley crew of stars, has-beens and never-was' and make them sing to save the world.

Watch and Learn:


"Do They Know It's Christmas?"





Voices That Care



What's Going on?

"Armageddon" or "The Federline Re-population Plan."

Dear Ms. Spears-Federline,

In high school, I liked this guy named *&^%. He was spontaneous, was the life of the party and always had fun, no matter what he was doing. I was hooked. He wanted to be in a band and at the time, I thought he might have the talent and drive to accomplish that goal. Flash forward 10 years later and he still hasn't gotten a real job, is 5 years into a 1 1/2 year degree and drinks till he can't see on a regular basis.

The point of this story? &^%$ was cool and fun in high school, but he never matured past that. He's the guy you want to get trashed with, not the guy you get married to. Well Britney, you married that dude and look where it got you. Pregnant and barefoot (c'mon Brit, no shoes in a gas station restroom? You know better than that. You probably have the HEP now.)He smokes weed all day, spends the money you made while working hard singing and carrying around a big yellow snake. Is that fair?
No, it simply isn't.

I'll never admit it to my friends, but I have like, 3 of your CDs. They are so filled with girl power and the whole "Fuck Men" mentality that was so profitable post-Spice Girls. I almost believed that you were going to be the one pop star to do it on your own and be damn proud of it.

Then Hurricane Kevin struck.

I wish I could say I understood what you saw in him, but I can't. He looks like a Snoop Dogg video reject and seems to have the intelligence of a lobotomized toddler. His song, Papazao, well, no one likes it. They come to see your husband because he really is a source of entertainment. Not because he is talented, but because he is a cage short of being the zoo's newest attraction. You need to leave him before he gets you pregnant AGAIN and the world is exposed to more of the punishment that is the continuation of his genes.

I do care about you Britney, and I am thisclose to calling A&E to get you on that "Intervention" show.

SeanPrestonspeed, or whatever it is you say when your baby is your religion.

Sarah Skilling

My Super Sweet Wedding

Dear MTV,

During the weekend, my cable box is dedicated to one channel. You guessed it, MTV (or VH1, your sister station). I cannot get enough of shows like “Tiara Girls,” “True Life,” “Made” and ‘My Super Sweet 16.”

It was while watching “Super Sweet” that I came up with the best idea EVER.

I have the perfect extravaganza that would lead you back into the spotlight for the 20-30 year old demographic. It is called “My Super Sweet Wedding,” and the first episode would be about me.

Just so you know, those sixteen year old bitches have NOTHING on me.

My wedding is going to be so ridiculously extravagant that I think we should perhaps get an Academy Award winning director on board. I’m thinking Lucas or Spielberg...we’re gonna need the special effects.

Let me paint a picture for you.

The theme: “The Princess Bride” meets “Cirque De Soleil”

The Location: I’d like a cathedral with stain glass windows...there will need to be high ceilings for the people in the harnesses.

The Look: I want my gown to be long and flowing, gothic style...maybe something you’d see on an angel in one of those old church paintings. My wedding party will wear rose pink or light green dresses...all sewn up so that the harness doesn’t make them look bad.

The guests will enter the church from the back, they will instantly ooh and aah when they walk in to see candles EVERYWHERE and monks chanting. The guests will be led in by MALE MODELS in tuxes. One of them HAS to be named Markus (or at least allow me to call him Markus).

Right after the final guest is seated, MARKUS will push in a frail-looking woman in a wheelchair (although she is totally able to walk). She will be left next to the front pew.

The GROOM and all his people will walk to the front, blah, blah, blah.

About two minutes before the BRIDE (me) enters, BJORK will appear on a little balcony and start to sing with a string quartet accompanying her.

Dramatically, My bridesmaids (there’ll be 5 or 6) and I will slowly swoop from the back in our harnesses and hover ever so slightly above the floor.

BJORK will stop singing at this point.

People will begin to wonder “Hey, where’s the minister?” That answer will be given when a booming disembodied voice comes from out of nowhere (surround sound speakers) and begins the ceremony. (We should get one of those movie trailer dudes to be the voice.)

The GROOM says his shit, I say mine and ta-da! We’re married.

Green and purple confetti will spill from the ceiling (and hopefully not catch on fire with all the candles). On the same balcony where BJORK stood, PM DAWN will appear and do an amazing acapella version of “Die Without You.”

THEN, before anyone else gets up to go, the old fart in the wheelchair will miraculously stand up and walk out without assistance, as if she has been healed by the beauty of the ceremony.

Everyone will get up and proceed to the reception and perhaps find new meaning in their lives.

SO yeah, we can totally make this happen. There is only one little hitch...I don’t have a fiance...or a boyfriend...or any real prospects.
I figure it can’t be that hard to find a hot-ass dude that wants to be on TV and if you couldn’t tell from the description, his part is kind of secondary and not too intense.

Fuck, I don’t even care if he is drunk, he just needs to know how to detach me from the harness. We’ll just get an annulment the next day anyway. I hear that is what ALL the reality-tv couples do these days.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Sarah Skilling

Can You C.C. the Real Me?

Dear C.C.,

Billy Idol, Bon Jovi, Eddie Van Halen, they all have their portrait on the walls of my heart, and I am happy to say, I have saved a spot for you.

I’ve always been supportive of 80’s rock legends. I smile when they finally acknowledge their bastard children, I laugh when they fly through the air in their music videos, I shed tears when they OD for the 7th time, and I think good thoughts for them when they get into rehab (again).

You are no exception. I have to be honest though, you kinda flew under my radar until very recently. I remember seeing you on Poison’s “Behind the Music” and thought you were slightly dodgy with a great need for some Frizz-Ease and maybe a little methadone.



However, when I saw you on the Surreal Life 6, all of that changed. You were so sober on there, so New York, so... strangely attractive. It was a slow metamorphasis. On the first episode, I noticed I liked your hair. The third episode, I started to find your voice to be endearing in an “I might have lung cancer” kind of way. By the second to last episode, I had to cover my face everytime you smiled so I didn’t run up and kiss the TV.
There was this one part during “Flo’s Last Word,” where you winked at Florence Henderson and I almost had to change my underwear...was that too graphic?




Here are my suggestions to you for a better life.
1) Don’t start hanging out with Bret Michaels again. You’ll listen to “I Want Action,” he’ll get you into bandannas again and you know what comes after the bandannas. Yup, crack cocaine.
2) Don’t screw the Playboy model from Surreal Life 6. She seems like a nice girl, but remember C.C. You are trying to move forward, not revert to the C.C. who talked about his “den of whores” on “Behind the Music.”
3) Have you ever thought of dating a normal girl? Perhaps a somewhat sassy 25 year old Seattleite with a major pop culture fixation? Think about it.
4)Don’t go back to your birth name. Bruce Anthony Johannesson just isn’t as sexy as C.C. Just don’t make me call you Cecil Cornelius in the heat of passion. I’ll totally lose my boner.

Could it actually be possible that you’ve changed? We all know Denise was retarded to take on Charlie Sheen, but if you finally find happiness, will you sabatoge it with your drugs and your whores or will you sustain this new path you’ve found? I can only hope for the latter because I am about to buy the “Best of Poison.”

Love you!

Sarah Skilling